Sticks and Stones may break my bones…but words they really hurt me.

So I have become increasingly aware of the fact that I and other people use words we shouldn’t be using when referring to something that we think is “dumb”, “Stupid”, “annoying”, etc. And since I realized that I am WAY to guilty of doing this, and honestly I am completely ashamed of myself. Like really really ashamed, to anyone I have offend by saying those things I am sorry and to anyone who didn’t realize I was doing it, I am sorry too! Anyway since I realize the stupid things I say and how hurtful they can be I have decided that it is time to make a change. So I am challenge myself to stop using the words “gay” or “retard” in derogatory way, and any of those other words that go along with those two. And for every time I say either of those words I am going to start a jar of change, and for every time I use one of those words I will add $.05 to the jar, yea that doesn’t seem like a lot but honestly it will probably end up adding up a lot faster that I would think. At the end of each month I will figure out where to send money and send donations to groups in that support special needs and LGBT teens, I will go back and forth between the two probably but I figure if I can’t learn to not use those words that I should at least donate to something to help people who I am offending. Hopefully though I can train myself to stop using those words, I know it will be hard, I and most people I know grew up in a generation where this was how they talked on tv etc. so it’s sadly become second nature to us, seriously I was just listening to Clueless and she called herself a ‘tard and then I wonder why I talk like that. Eventually I’d like to be to the point that I am not putting any money into the jar and I can just donate because its something I feel passionately about. I am going to try to be more mindful of what I say. And I am challenging anyone and everyone who reads my blog to do the same, if you have any other ideas of things we could do to “Spread the Word to End the Word” and to “Think B4 we Speak” then please fill free to share. I am also going to try to speak out when I hear other people doing these things, and you should too, of course, in a polite non-demeaning kind of way! Let’s do this, together we can make the world a better place for everyone.

Peace & Love.

Heather

Closing a chapter and starting a new.

So as many of you know I was going to school for Culinary Arts, and this was my second attempt at that major. I felt like my love and passion for it had come back, but lately I feel like it has gone away. See the problem is its almost impossible to take something you love as a hobby and make it a career. I began missing a lot of school and just generally not caring as much because I was trying to force myself into something that I didn’t really want. after several months of fighting with myself on the topic and worrying what other people would think I decided that it was in my best interest to change my major again, I realize I’ve done this a million time but this time I think that I have gotten it right. First off I am starting out going back to JALC, paying for my own classes and getting my Associates of Arts, from here I’d like to go to SIUC and get my Bachelors in Mass Communications with a concentration in Radio, and have my minor as Political Science. I really have a love for all things journalism and I think that begin able to maybe use that and find work in radio would be wonderful! I have this crazy dream of working for NPR. I really would appreciate those who know me giving me support right now and not telling me how stupid I am because I am doing what I feel is right. 

 

Thanks.

Heather.

Dear Teenage Heather, Sincerely 23 year old Heather.

Dear Teenage Heather,

So you are probably wondering why I am writing this to you. And to be honest I know I’d be wondering the same thing. See here is the thing, I know there are a lot of things you are going to experience and some of them aren’t so good so here is some advice. When your dad dies, yes I know it’s going to suck but you are strong and you’ll get through it. Don’t give up on school, and don’t try to use getting guys attention to get you through it, SERIOUSLY, it will cause more pain than necessary. Don’t let other people be the judge of your self worth, you are worth more than they know. Again seriously don’t do it! People will let you down, especially your friends, its okay, some of them will come back into your life and some will leave forever. Don’t give it a second thought believe me you’ll meet some pretty cool people through the years. On that note, when people tell you not to trust people on the internet don’t believe them, some of the best friends you will ever have you’ll meet through the internet. When your mom tells you something trust her, she’s right, especially about big stuff like going into the Army, you aren’t going to want to do it, and she’s right save yourself the heartache. When you have feelings any kind of feelings don’t worry what other’s will think, if they don’t like you for you, well you are better off without them! Spend every chance you can with you Grandma, the one you know right now won’t always be that way and someday you’ll wish you spent more time with her. Do nice things for all of those older people who’ve always been so good to you, don’t wake up one morning and it be too late. Spend more time with your Aunt Emma Lea too, your time with her is too short. Remember to say your prayers and study hard, don’t let your grades slip. Don’t waste time on little things and remember to tell everyone that you love that you love them every chance you have. Exercise. SERIOUSLY, do it right now, like put this down and go run or something, you’ll be glad did someday! When you meet someone named Darlene on the internet realize she is just as damn stubborn as you and take that into consideration when you argue, don’t let fights get so bad that you don’t talk for months, your time gets cut short with her too and you’ll always regret that lost time. On the note of regretting stuff your dad always told you not to do it, so try not to, but when you get a chance to pick family over friends always do it. He’s was right about Grandpa Anton, and himself though I don’t think at the time he knew he’d be gone too. Don’t worry so much, it’s really unbecoming. When your mom gets that boyfriend that you’ll hate and trust me you’ll hate him, don’t take anything he says to heart, ugly people with ugly hearts don’t matter!  Don’t get any credit card either, debt sucks! I know this part of your life is going suck at times but trust me it’ll get better, you’ll have a great relationship with your mom and your sisters, you’ll have some kickass best friends, some you’ve had for years others for just a few years, you’ll get to do things you’ve never imagined (seriously you’ll be like 3 feet away from Jerry Lawler… DON’T FAINT), you’ll have a pretty cool job at a gas station, and through it you’ll make even more friends, you’ll also start selling Mary Kay (yes really you will) and you’ll meet some really awesome women, you’ll run a 5k (Okay you’ll walk it but you’ll do it nonetheless), you’ll be fine, I swear.

 

Love always,

23 year old Heather.

Making Progress.

So I started my bucket list almost a half a month ago and I’ve already completed two of the things I have on my list. On April 13th I did my first 5k. It was pretty awesome. We didn’t finish in first but we did finish and personally I think that is all that matters. I also completed my month of squats challenge, it was tough but I did it, I made 300 squats in one day on the 30th, pretty crazy for someone who is pretty out of shape. I also went to Zumba for the first time, it was pretty cool too. I didn’t think I’d like it but it was really great and not as hard as I thought it would be.

Thus far I have completed two of my things on my list, I am sure I’ll have a lot more by the end of the summer.

I’ll never be the victim

Sitting here I am wondering why I took so long to write about this… to just be honest. Not only with everyone else, but with myself. I know for sure that it’s not because I am ashamed, what is there to be ashamed of. I am a survivor not a victim. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am not guilty of anything. I know the real reason… the fear of being looked at differently, pitied, and treated differently. I don’t want to have people look and me and tell me they are sorry… I don’t want people thinking I need special treatment, or that I desire attention because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. And that is the real reason that I haven’t said anything. So now we are at the, “why now?” I am saying something now because I can’t heal unless I do so. I can’t move on and have a happy healthy life unless I do this. And I can’t help anyone else unless I help myself. And if my words can help just one person then at least I will have done something.

It was a night that I work the midnight shift at my job. And this guy had been coming in every weekend talking to me, we became quick friends and quite honestly based on his likes and the fact that he dressed nice, I kind of thought he was gay. Which was completely okay with me. Anyway. We talked and then started to text each other, he wanted to see me after I got off work and I decided to go meet him at his friends house. He took advantage of the situation. First a kiss then a touch, nothing that I wanted. I repeatedly said no, over and over again until that 8 hours shift and my lack of sleep started to take its toll and I just couldn’t fight anymore there was no fight left in me. I gave up… when he was finished he made comments about how it was my first time and that it was supposed to be special. He took that right from me and when I was able to leave I felt guilty like I had done something wrong like I was the person to blame maybe I shouldn’t have gone it was stupid. But there was no way to know, you never know. I didn’t tell my friend when I came home I just went to bed, we woke up and went to Paducah Mall, while we were on our way the whole thing began to eat at me more and more and when we got to the mall I told my friend. When I told her I just kept telling her that I didn’t want her to be mad at me, at me! Like I had done something so wrong so terrible. When we got home I spent some time on the phone with the people who volunteer with RAINN, and then called another friend by that evening I was sitting in the ER. Letting people poke at me, take pictures and collect anything and everything they could. Taking a pill to help to make sure that I didn’t end up with an STD. I asked not to be given the morning after pill which is just a personal decision. I talked to a cop then I was sent home. On the way home we stopped to eat and I couldn’t even eat the weight of it all was really getting to me. I started seeing a counselor with a place that helps women. Called hotlines and visited websites looking for some help something to get me though. It took a very long time for me to get to the point where I didn’t blame myself. I went to the cops and I tried to go forward and press charges. I started to get phone calls from his friends and texts asking if we were together telling me how great he was. The cops made me feel like I had done something wrong like I was to blame that I was an idiot. They told me that it was because that is how they would treat me in court and that most likely is the case but a woman should never be made to feel like she is wrong to come forward. Like they don’t believe the things that she is telling them like she is lying making things up and that the things that happened to her aren’t important like it’s a nothing.

But what I am really trying to say here, isn’t my story, it isn’t what happened to me because that really isn’t what is important. The fact of the matter is that that man took something very special to me, something that belonged to me. And he acted like it was nothing. People like to say that it was because of what you were wearing, I was wearing a work polo, a tank top, jeans, and a pair of pajama shorts nothing sexy about it and it didn’t scream “Rape Me.” Not all rape is violent; it’s not always someone hurting you physically sometimes it’s just the mental the fact that someone took the control of your life something that is so important to you, your safety, the right you have to feel like you are safe and the right you have to control a situation.

I just really want people to understand that sometimes it’s as simple as a girl going to house expecting one thing when the person there expects another and her just not having a fight left in her. It doesn’t change the facts it was rape. Just because I stopped saying no doesn’t mean I was saying yes, and it’s never okay to blame yourself for something someone else does to you.

If you need help please visit this site or call the number I have listed below:
http://www.rainn.org/ or http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/
Or call at: 1-800-656-HOPE

New Year New Start.

As I started the New Year I really wanted to turn over a new leaf and I was going to try to blog every single day. But school hasn’t even started for me and I am already finding that between work and life in general the dream of a blog a day just isn’t even logical. So instead I am going to shoot for a blog a week. One each week with everything that’s gone on for that week. I am sure there will be weeks where I will write more but for now it will be a blog a week.  I’ll be posting them on Sunday with Monday being the start of the week.

With Monday, this week came the start of a new year. This year I spent the morning of December 31, 2012 at work, when I finished at work for the day I came home and started on a tart which didn’t turn out how I would have liked, it still tasted good just wasn’t every pretty. Then I ate dinner with my mom and my friend Marcy then I went and rang in the New Year with my sisters, their sister, & my nieces and nephew (and their nieces) It was a great night filled with lots of laughs. Even if I had to get home and get to sleep that night. Tuesday actually started the New Year, I actually had to work on Tuesday too which really wasn’t my idea of fun, but it wasn’t too bad. I also went to see my grandma after work. I came home that night and watched the season premiere of Dance Mom’s I had waited for what felt like forever for dance moms to be on again. Wednesday, I worked and did some shopping, I am guessing it wasn’t a really impressive day because I really haven’t a clue what I did that day. Thursday, was meant to be a lazy day not doing much of anything and one of my days off but that changed because I got called and asked to come in, so I ended up working then instead of working Friday morning like I was supposed to.  Friday was for sure a lazy day and when I got up and just stayed around the house and didn’t do much besides watch wrestling. Saturday I worked in the evening then came home, grabbed a bite to eat then went to bed. Sunday, was my busy day. I worked for 6-2 then I went and spent a long while at my sisters with her and my niece and nephew. When I came home it was 11 pm, then I came to get my friend Marcy we went to get a bite to eat, then we went to Walmart and did a little shopping. By the time I got home I was freezing and exhausted. But all in all I had a pretty awesome week. And I certainly can’t wait to see what the rest of 2013 has in store for me. 

A New Year a New Chance.

This year I want to try to do something. Inspired by one of my favorite movies, Rent, I want to start a blog for each day. Whether it be just an update on my life or it be something I want to talk or rant about everyday 365 days in my life. A blog series this year I am going to call 525,600 moments. I just wanted to let everyone know what I am doing because I must head to bed… but tomorrow will start the fun!  

For those who like my food blog I’ll be updating that again soon, I hope! 

Milky Way Cupcakes.

MilkyWay Cupcakes:

For  Filling:

ingredients:

½ C  white sugar

enough water to dissolve sugar.

heavy cream

Directions: 

-Melt sugar

- put over heat

-cook until sugar is an amber color.

- Take off heat, add cream (careful it will bubble up)

- Whisk quickly, adding just enough to make it a thinner sauce, if you let it get too think you won’t be able to use it.

While you are waiting on the sugar start on your cupcakes.

For the cupcake:

Ingredients: 

1 cup white sugar

1/2 cup butter

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder

1 ½ tablespoons cocoa powder

1 cup marshmallow crème

2 teaspoons Evaporated Milk

1/2 cup milk

Directions:

1.    Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Get you muffin tins ready.

2.    In a medium bowl, cream together the sugar and butter. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Combine flour and baking powder, add to the creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in the cocoa powder and the marshmallow crème, taste it. You are looking for a taste similar to the nougat in a Milky Way. (you can adjust) Finally stir in the milk until batter is smooth. Pour or spoon batter into the prepared pan.

3.    Bake for 30 to 40 minutes in the preheated oven. For cupcakes, bake 20 to 25 minutes. Cake is done when it springs back to the touch.

4.    A toothpick should come out clean.

 

While  your cupcakes are cooking and your caramel is cooling make your frosting.

I just used a basic chocolate frosting I found on All Recipes.

Ingredients:

2 3/4 cups confectioners’ sugar

6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

6 tablespoons butter

5 tablespoons evaporated milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1.    In a medium bowl, sift together the confectioners’ sugar and cocoa, and set aside.

2.    In a large bowl, cream butter until smooth, then gradually beat in sugar mixture alternately with evaporated milk. Blend in vanilla. Beat until light and fluffy. If necessary, adjust consistency with more milk or sugar.

-I made mini-cupcakes and used an apple-corer to take out the center, trimmed it down then used the top of the whole to recover the cupcake.

-I used a pastry bag and filled the holes with caramel, then placed top back on the used another pastry bag to top the cakes with frosting.

 

-Keep in Fridge.

Hope you enjoy!

Thru The Rain Again…

Pounding raindrops, flash flood, the dark clouds came in it looks like it is midnight, But is only three. It seemingly came from nowhere. No one saw it coming, sirens sound and confusion sets in. Running for cover or standing in the middle to watch. We all react differently. Lightening strikes and thunder crashes. Mere minutes pass and suddenly the sky is blue and the sun’s so bright you can hardly see. In a breath all the bad is gone and you feel safe again. If it was all this simple. But once in a while those storm clouds roll in and there are no sirens, no safe place, there you are stuck in the middle of the lightning, pounding rain, and the wind trying to ride it out. Those storms don’t pass quick, and when they end you want to collapse. They take all of you, break you. They don’t pass quickly, never do. But when that sun finally shines you can stand tall. Because you have weathered another storm.

Vegan Banana Bread French Toast Cupcake (from Bake & Destroy)

So today was #MeatlessMonday and since I wanted to make these anyway I figured that today was a great day to do so. I got this recipe from Natalie at Bake and Destroy, ( I must say that everything that I have made from her site has been amazing)  Anyway, I did my own thing with the frosting because I jacked mine up when I made it the first time.  I know when most people talk about vegan foods they become really stand offish. But honestly there are so many things that you can do without tofu or without it being this big scary deal. Had I not told those who tried mine today they would have probably never known that they were vegan.

My thoughts…. I thought they were they were the greatest thing that I have had in a really long time. Perfection and its not just because I made them! Also I love the fact that there aren’t any eggs or anything like that so you can lick your whisk, beater, or spatula all you like!

This recipe makes 12; Here is what you need:

• 1/2 cup overripe banana mashed
• 1 & 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar (I used the raw stuff)
• 1/3 cup canola oil 
• 2/3 cup rice or soy milk (I used Rice Milk)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 
• 1/2 teaspoon almond extract 
• 1/2 cup walnuts toasted & chopped

Here is what you need to do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line pan with paper liners.
2. Toast walnuts in a 350 degree oven for just a few minutes – 4-5 should do the trick. Cool, then chop into small pieces. 
3. Throw your mashed banana in a blender or or just smash it with a fork. 
4. Sift the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, salt and sugar into a large bowl, mix well. 
5. In a smaller bowl, whisk together the oil, soy or rice milk, vanilla, almond and mashed banana. 
6. Stir or fold the wet ingredients into the dry. Small lumps are fine. Finally, add the walnuts, folding gently.
7. Fill liners 2/3 full. Bake 20-22 minutes or until tops spring back when lightly touched. Cool in pan on wire rack for 10 minutes, then remove from pan and cool completely before frosting. 
8. For my frosting I used a thing of vanilla frosting, 3 tbsp of syrup, 2 1/2 tbsp maple extract. The link above has the full recipe as well as her frosting. Next time I’ll try to make her’s again.

Thank you for checking my blog out and PLEASE be sure to check out Natalie’s website since this is her recipe!